In Your Fury

Hi everyone!  I have not posted in awhile.  I will start writing again as the Lord leads me.  Love to all!  This is called, In Your Fury.

In Your Fury

Before every journey,

You take down the obstacles,

In your fury.

And when I am hurting,

You are behind the scenes, working.

When sin is so shiny,

When temptation is alluring…

I just remember to bless Your Name!

For surely,

You have not called me to be worldly.

You have called me a friend of Yours,

And every unrighteous thing,

I am called to abhor.

Of Your Presence I do want more.

But you will take down these idols in my heart,

First, My Lord.

Nothing can stand against you.

You will not allow anything in my heart to stand against you.

Remove the hindrances,

That I may run free.

Help me to continue to believe,

In the same love for others who don’t know you.

Give me grace,

Give me patience.

To help those who are in need

Of your Fragrance.

Help me to know when something

Is not good for me anymore.

And help realize when to give You control

And not fight on my own, dear Lord.

Your Saving Grace,

Is available to all.

You WILL come when we call.

You ANSWER prayer.

Take us there, Lord!

To where we cannot go.

Take us there, Lord!

To a place where we wrestle with you alone.

Not before the eyes of man

Not before the eyes of ones

With a plan.

But before your eyes, O King.

Living for your audience.

And not for others applause.

Amen.

Copyright Adrienne Devine 2018

 

 

Don’t Tell Me How to Feel

I just wanted to write this tonight, because sometimes I think people may tell us the way we feel about something isn’t how we should feel, or tell us even that it’s not real. This is called “Don’t Tell Me How to Feel.”

Don’t tell me how to feel

Don’t tell me it’s not real

I don’t just need to heal

Don’t tell me how to feel

I know what is in my heart

Days go by and I am fine

But my feelings have not stopped.

It’s not all in my head

I don’t just need to take my meds…

I know what’s in my heart.

And my feelings have not stopped.

If I am rejected, that is fine..

But it doesn’t change this heart of mine.

I give myself to the Father’s will.

It is His purposes that will be fulfilled.

Flaws and All

I don’t know about you, but sometimes there’s just something about imperfection that gets under our skin. Like if the barista at our favorite coffee shop makes our drink incorrectly. Or if the cashier takes too long to ring up the line of people at the grocery store. Or like the pimple on our face that will not go away. (I’m talking about my real life, people, lol. I am the worst at wanting my food or drink order, etc correct!) Well I was just thinking about this. Why is it that we all want things to appear so perfect on the outside? Could it be that we feel that something inside of us is lacking, so somehow we feel better if everything on the outside looks good?

I think this is exactly what it is! We as humans are always going to lack or be deficient in some way, whether by our own standards or by someone else’s standards. Comparing ourselves or others to our own or even their standards is sooooo not something that we as humans are capable of! Expecting other people to meet our needs of fulfillment or even our demands in the way that we want it done is simply not realistic. I also think that wanting perfection in ourselves or others lends itself to viewing life in general with a critical spirit. We end up picking apart ourselves or others, analyzing faults or weaknesses in way that is totally not healthy!

It’s hard to do and we hear a lot about it, but we really need to offer ourselves and others Grace. And also to know that there is waaaay more then meets the eye when it comes to a human life’s history, heart, and why we or they act the way we do. I hear of inner healing people sometimes talking about how we can just figure out why we act the way we do by looking at our past, and going into this deep self examination, but I do not think its that simple. I also don’t think that it’s necessary. We can have many humanistic ways of evaluating ourselves, even in the Christian world. I believe that we all may never figure out why we act or react a certain way, or why it’s so hard to forgive someone, or why our emotions can feel out of whack. The key I think is just retraining ourselves to feel and act differently with Gods Word and His Spirit. Sometimes it doesn’t matter why this or that happened, or why we feel this way or that way. We just need to get transformed by encountering God in our secret place. He alone can help us direct our emotions properly and respond differently. Also, God is clear in His Word that He alone measures the hearts and the motives of men and women. Even the Apostle Paul said that he did not measure himself!

My plan is just to take some time in my free time and allow God to speak over me. To allow Him to deposit into my Spirit things from His Word so that I (Capitol I) can be changed and live differently from the inside out! From a heart that has encountered the Fathers Grace and is truly even more changed because of it! I want to learn to love and accept myself and the BEAUTY in others, flaws and all, not expecting perfection! Help, Lord! Amen

Don’t Waste Time

It’s late. I am resting but I’m not quite to the point where I can sleep. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. About my journey, where I have come from, and where I would like to be. To others it may seem that I am way far behind in life. Sometimes I actually feel like I am! I am going to be 37 and I still have yet to finish my undergraduate degree. College was something that I first attended when I was 18, just about 20 years ago. Most of you who know my history know that I have been in rehab in my life, twice. Once when I was 16 at Teen Challenge. The second time when I was 20 years old, for a year and a half at the Women of Hope home (St. Louis Dream Center) in St. Louis. The issues I was having included being on drugs, mental illness and depression, as well as inappropriate sexual relationships. After I finished my program at the Dream Center I wanted to stay and help out for a few more years. I had such a great support system there of great pastors as well as friends and people my own age. Although that was a very busy season I also look back on it now as some of the most fulfilling years of my life so far. During my time at the Dream Center I developed a love for praise and worship and intercession. I found out about a Worship and Prayer School at the International House of Prayer in Kansas City and left the Dream Center in 2005 to move to Kansas City and pursue doing this Worship and Prayer program. For the next 3 to 4 years I made about 5 to 8 really close friendships and completed my program. I continued to work at Starbucks, which is where I had been working since 2005. I was super grateful because we had a great team at work and great management. I also continued to go to the Prayer Room at IHOPKC to enjoy the prayer and worship during this time. In 2010 my life and Journey began to change. Many of my friends moves from Kansas City and/or got married. Other friendships that I tried to have were not as close as the ones I had before and I started to really struggle relationally. There were several reasons for the struggles, different seasons maybe, maybe personalities, maybe others were not as socially needy as I was. From all my years at the Dream Center I was really used to having tight knit community. IHOP KC does have community there, that is not what I’m saying. I struggled a lot because of my inability to relate properly to others at times; i.e., knowing when to stop looking to people for answers (which I was totally doing!) I relied on others and what they thought, and how I could be fulfilled from social relationships way too much. So anyway long story short, from 2010 to 2014 was a very lonely season for me. I was very busy with school and didn’t have a lot of time to socialize. When I wasn’t doing school work I was at work. Anyways somewhere in the midst of all of this I started to get very depressed. I felt sad all the time, misunderstood etc. For several years I literally could not shake it. My grades in school were dropping well below what they should be. I feel like what happened was, yes I was supposed to be in Kansas City and spend the time to get to know God and myself. Also I was meant to meet the people I met. I think I just overstayed my season a little bit and that is why things began to not work out. A lot of anger in me began to surface and I was dealing with this on my own too. Before I left Kansas City I was super, SUPER lonely. I really struggled because I wanted a husband, and I felt I had waited so long. So I decided to take things into my own hands. I started seeing someone and we slept together a few times. I will be honest, just to have someone THERE it helped me immensely. Was it right for me to sleep with them, no. I had been celibate at that point for 15 to 16 years since I was 20 years old. I had just felt I really needed physical affection and companionship. By physical affection, I mean hugs, someone to hold me etc. As I already said, it went too far and I was intimate with the person. But I AM being honest when I say that I felt a lot better just having someone THERE to hold and hug me at night, and listen to me. All of that happened summer of 2014. I did not tell anyone at IHOP KC, except one person. So if you know me from there, that is what happened right before I moved.

In October 2014 I moved back to my hometown. I struggled to keep jobs somewhat when I moved back here too. A couple of jobs I had for while but then in the end it did not work out.

Personally, I started feeling better. I felt like life was quieter and that I had more privacy. I just needed a break from being around a lot of religious things all the time. It’s not bad but seriously I lived in close proximity of two churches/communities for 14 years.  I’m so grateful for all I have learned and would not trade it but I was tired.

I have spent a lot of time by myself since I have been home. I’m okay with spending time by myself and I actually like it. I have not been attending church regularly. My mom calls me the prodigal daughter. It makes me laugh. I know that God is probably not super pleased with all of my choices, but I do know that His love for me is NOT based on what I DO or DON’T do. Whether my unfaithfulness or my righteous deeds alike.

I have also come to realize, that at the end of my life, I don’t think I am going to look back and wish that I had “accomplished” more. I realize part of being a Christian is based on things we do and obedience etc. But we can’t properly function to obey and be kind if our hearts are in the wrong place. We will have no energy to be kind and good deeds are just a status for us to post on Facebook.

I think for me is more about the journey of who I am becoming. About the lessons learned on the way and trying not to make the same mistakes by God’s grace. About loving myself and life whether I have hit the mark or whether I haven’t. And offering that same grace to other people without judgement. It is good to accomplish things yes. But if I base my life off of that I don’t feel I measure up. Lol. It has taken me just about 20 years to complete a degree when people 15 years younger than me already have their Masters. That is why I am saying, for me it is about who I am becoming, the people I meet and how can I be kind to them… Not perfect, but kind…and trying to ask God to give me a right heart and attitude in all of the complexities of life.

I would say, if someone could learn something from me it would be the paragraph above. And also, not to waste time. I am going to be 37 next month, I literally feel like I turned 25 yesterday. I don’t want to waste time anymore on things that don’t matter. I am just asking God for a right heart, a good attitude, wisdom and grace for myself and others, to redeem the time, strength to make good choices, and to finish my race well.

Colors of Fall

Colors of Fall

Colors of Fall

Shades of grey

Both are in my path today.

Radiantly bright

Against the sky

Contrasting to the naked eye.

Such is life,

To my delight.

Sometimes grey,

Yet autumn bright.

Copright 2017 Adrienne Devine

 

 

 

Endless Love

Endless love

Endless love for you and I

Fresh with hope like morning skies

Peeking in with amber rays

Saturating every day.

Endless love bright as the sun

Guiding us with victory won

Reaching every end of earth

Glistening eternal worth.

Endless love fair as the moon

Coming to the rescue soon

Lighting up the starry night

Carries us into the heights.

Endless love into my depths

Let this be my one request

Filling me to overflow

Into the lives of all I know.

Endless love, it captures me

Rolling in like crashing seas

Sweeping all debris away

Leaving calm and peace to stay.

Endless love open and free

More than we could ever dream

Love so vast and limitless

Love in times of grief and bliss.

Love that is holy, pure, and right

This is Father’s great delight.

Love that unifies and resurrects

This Love has been made manifest.

Endless love that is Alive

In this Endless Love I will abide.

Endless Love full of Desire,

Endless love that doesn’t tire.

Endless love sets us ablaze

To follow in His ancient ways.

Endless love like raging fire,

He is the Gold,

We are the buyer.

Endless love this is our treasure,

Let it be poured out now without measure.

Copright 2017 Adrienne Devine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

in the quiet

In the last couple of years being away from a big ministry I have learned a lot about myself. In the quiet spaces of my day, where literally no one sees me or knows what I am doing, I have found contentment. I have found contentment in letting God see the deep spaces and gaps in my heart. Places reserved for Him alone. I used to rush around thinking that I had to fill my empty schedule. Now I appreciate extra time that I have that gives me a place to be myself, by myself. A place where I am transparent with Him alone, and I feel that I can be my truest self. There’s no one to judge the thoughts of my heart that I can think aloud to God. There’s no one there to point the finger at my inadequacies, my behavior, all the things that I come up short in on a daily basis. In this place, alone with God, with His eyes on me, I am grounded in freedom and have the grace to live a life without accusation (even when I am before people.) His eyes are set on me, I know that in the secret recesses of my heart I can stand blameless, even when I fail. I stand blameless, even when I battle sin or when I battle the bad attitudes of my flesh. I stand blameless because Jesus offers me His way, to take on and be molded into His mindset when I am battling fatigue or laziness. God offers me the hope that I can again be renewed, with His eyes alone on me, in the quiet. This gives me the strength to be kind to people I come in contact with. The quiet place gives me the reservoir of God’s compassion that is so tender towards me, and from His compassion towards me I can be assured that my victory is in Christ.

Where Words May Fail Me

Where words may fail me,

You understand me.

There is a peace that comes to my soul.

For where I am not seen,

I am deeply loved and known.

My heart is heard on high before the Throne,

Where I am not seen,

Where I am not known.

Where I have not man to call a friend,

You are with me now until the end.

Where I have not one to share my fears,

You are Faithful to me all my years.

I fellowship with You.

I sit silently with You.

I read a book in the quiet,

And all around the world, it seems to riot,

Going here to there and everywhere,

Pleasing this one and pleasing that one,

And I find myself surrounded by no one.

There is no one to criticize,

But there is also not one to surprise.

So,

I wait for you in the quiet.

The mystery of your will and promises yet to be fulfilled.

The transition of what I call my life

Into the yonder years of blinding light.

My road is not a hard one.

My road is a solid one.

I am friends with the sunlight that guides me daily,

And I quietly rest as the darkness shades me.

I am at rest in Your hand.

I dwell in the land, and I go about my life…

But really, You are clinging and holding me tight.

I have not missed a turn,

I have not wandered off the path.

My quiet life has kept me safe from danger and aftermath.

Sometimes my heart has hurt,

And I may at times have been sad,

But really, my hidden glorious Life in You is not that bad.

I am unknown by a world that serves its own purpose,

And I am redeemed to an age that makes today have purpose.

My glory is not what I achieve,

Or in what I dream,

Or how many people are affected by me,

My glory is in my relationship with You.

How in the breaths and in the in between’s, you are with me.

How you give me peace.

How you protect me.

How you let me know that You see me when the opposite feels true.

You are God on high, and forever will I love you!

Not with an outward show of works,

But in the way that I respond if I e’er feel hurt.

My heart is full of love when I don’t understand.

My heart it clings to You when I don’t see the full plan.

I am on Your timetable, not mine.

My heart is full of love toward people I have met along the way,

And I long for God’s Return, where we are all united in Fullness of Day.

Forever with Christ to reign.

Aging and Gerontology Blog 1

When I was 19 years old I took care of a lady that was bedridden and dying. She was unable to care for herself, and we had to do everything for her, bathing, feeding, etc. I am not sure how she got to the point where she was unable to care for herself, but she was well into her 80’s and her daughter was taking care of her. Recently, I was awakened to the reality of people taking care of their parents when I met several people in their 50’s that were dealing with the reality of aging parents. When I was 19 it did not dawn on me how someday I may have the responsibility of caring for my parents. My parents have always been much stronger than me and very independent, and to think that someday they may be weaker and need help from me in years to come was a very scary thought. It was scary to think about getting older in life, ( I am in my 30’s) and possibly not having my grandparents or my parents. Luckily, that is not my reality right now but it just made me realize that someday I may have a responsibility to an older adult. I definitely think that no matter our age we should all try to be as independent and as self-sufficient as possible. I realize that sometimes this can’t be possible when people are unable to care for themselves either financially or physically. I know that I am a long ways from caring for aging parents still being in my 30’s, but we never know and always need to be prepared to take on the responsibility of caring for someone else should it be needed from us. I think what I have learned about the aging process through this is that I need to be strong and independent as much as possible. People that are weaker are at the mercy of others and that is not a place that we always want to be, depending on who would be making decisions for us. Through looking at the aging process and meeting other people whose parent’s are dying or who have died, I have realized the need to be careful, take care of myself and have learned a lot of wisdom at a younger age I believe. This experience for me at first was not very positive because I became very scared of being alone in life and wondering who I could trust. But then I realized that there are others around me and even if I didn’t have my parents, I would still have my church family, neighbors and friends and I would be okay in life because I have God. However I am grateful that I still have my parents! As far as aging for myself, I really don’t look forward to that but we really don’t know if the Lord will tarry that long. I comfort myself with thoughts of the Resurrection and the life to come when I think about aging in this life. I know that if I do live long enough to age, I would hope to be able to die a good death in peace in my own home and not in a facility hopefully. I would want to stay healthy as long as possible, which I think is important for people of all ages and for the aging in general to maintain a good and best quality of life. As far as my understanding of aging, I don’t think when I was younger that I had any concept of aging because everyone in my life was so young. I think that now I have a better handle on it even though I am still learning about all of the different things that accompany our lives at different stages. I am still being established in life so I believe I have a lot of life to live, but having an understanding of families and aging I believe is important for everyone. It makes us make our moments count and also to really keep in the forefront of our minds what is important, ourselves and those close to us, and our own well-being and self-nurture.

The Power of a Healed Soul

The Power of a Healed Soul
God put this post on my heart to write sometime back.
Let me ask you a question: Have you ever felt like there was a tinge of greyness or sadness inside? Have you had a discontentment with where your life is at, but you don’t know how to shake it or where to find the answer for the direction you need to take so that you feel you have more significance? Have you ever felt the edges of disappointment creep up on you at the slightest answer of “No” from God on something that you really had your heart set on? Have you ever had others underestimate you, either from a wrong perception or not enough information or encounter with who you truly are? Have you ever thought that your dreams were so far off because of the situation that you currently see yourself in, that you can’t see the good things that will be coming up ahead?
I have GOOD news for you! We can ask God to heal and transform our very souls, our very core. We can ask God to SO transform our insides, our DNA, the way that we think, and the way that we view our lives that these negative thoughts will no longer dictate and rule our thoughts. We will begin to think like God thinks and act like He acts and would respond when we have spent time in His presence, knowing His nature, and character, and who He TRULY is. When we begin to fill ourselves with God’s Word and the Good things in His Kingdom, we will find goodness, beauty, and Jesus- fruits just oozing out of us. Maybe not overnight, and it takes cultivating-but it will happen! We will have eyes of faith that are freed up to see the possibilities of our realities with the ability to make our lives BETTER instead of complaining about the circumstances that we may not like.
I can tell you that recently, I HAVE felt like my soul has been healed. I lived a lot of my life previously in fear, anxiety, depression, and worry, sometimes experiencing negative emotions like anger and sadness for no reason at all, and even thinking negatively. I can tell you that all of the time that I have spent in the Word over my lifetime, and even just spending time in Church, prayer and with other Christians have contributed greatly to me living a victorious life in Christ daily. I can tell you that no, it may not be perfect….I still struggle sometimes to feel productive and get motivated. However, I CAN tell you that because I have a revelation of who God is and who I am in Him, also having a grateful and believing spirit, that MOST of the time I am in a good mood. Today, MOST of the time I am walking in peace and experiencing God’s presence on a daily basis. MOST of the time, I am trusting God’s leadership instead of complaining when I don’t get something that I want. YES, I still believe God for big things, but I also TRUST Him that if He thinks I should have whatever I am asking for, that in His good timing it will be given to me. I have learned a satisfaction and contentment with all of the different processes God puts us through to groom us for what we will be and what we face in our life times on earth. I can tell you, there’s not A LOT of times that I spend with negative emotions in my life. Most of my relationships are good, God always provides for me, etc.
It really is true, that the touch of GOD on a human soul has a radical effect. Sometimes, the effects of God’s touch and His working in our lives is a little more spread out in our lives, and not as noticeable to the natural eye. But then I believe there are seasons where we look back and we see the literal FRUIT of the Spirit coming out in our lives. It can even be surprising to us the way that this fruit that has been developed just by the process of living. It really is an amazing work.
I thank God the way that His Words in my life and time in His presence has truly marked me for who I am now and will be for the rest of my life. Today, I am MOSTLY joyful, MOSTLY gentle and quiet spirited, much more forgiving than I used to be, more sober and more compassionate. My value system and what I consider important in life has changed because of how God has touched my life. Also, because of the way God has revealed His Father heart to me and also I have seen His leadership in my life, I trust Him, I KNOW His Faithfulness, I have seen and experienced His goodness, and I know that the only thing He has for me and ALL of us in His heart is Goodness, Faithfulness, and all of the good things in His Word and by His Spirit. This is the lense that I look at my reality through as I believe God for future and greater things in my life and in yours too!
I know that it might seem like my life is a little bit boring, as I have spent a lot of time in Prayer and also studying in school. I don’t have a big shot job quite yet. A life of prayer or reading and getting to know God’s heart for almost 9 years out of my life may not seem that exciting on the front end. However it has borne SO MUCH fruit because the things that I only read about in my Bible when I was younger have now become REALITY in my heart, soul, mind and spirit. I have gotten to be around people that are touching Nations and also live in a community where it’s normal to touch Nations. How cool is that! These years that I have spent serving in ministry since I was 21 and am now 33 have formed and fashioned who I am, they are GOLD to me. I would NOT trade these years for anything and I am grateful that I have had the privilege of knowing the Lord’s heart on a deep level!
Now, as I am graduating with my Bachelor’s Degree this December, I am also excited about where life will take me although I don’t have all the answers quite yet. A Master’s Degree may be in my future. God might have a journey up his sleeve for me that I have no idea about yet. I would love prayer as I transition and thanks so much to ALL of you who have been and are still a part of my life! We are all looking forward to more good days ahead of bearing fruit for God and going deeper in Him until He returns! May He fill us up with more of Himself in anything we may be lacking, bring continued wholeness and SHALOM that we may be equipped to encourage and empower ourselves and others!

Blessings in Jesus!
Adrienne